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On these pages are published smiles received from ex-cadets (and others). They are published
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Poor SantaTerry Jones 2019/12/06|
A Man With No Enemies, Terry Jones, 20161008
I thought I was a Pilot, Jacques Boucher, 20141213
Enfin! Quelque chose de positif, Jacques Gauthier, 20140804
Wal-Mart Senior Greeter, Ron Belfry, 20131218
Traduction bilingue. Jacques Ernest Boucher, 20131117
Montréal vs Toronto, Billie Yakachuk, 20131115
Lost in translation, John Coffin, 20131109
Don't Mess with the Marines, Billie Yakachuk, 20090204
Military Wisdom, Jack Cadieux, 20080513
Morning Briefing, Jack Cadieux, 20080218
Blessed Canada, Jacques (Ernie) Boucher, 20080310
Sick of Snow, Jacques (Ernie) Boucher, 20080307
5BX Revisited, Neil Russell (RMC '57), 20071117
Don't Mess With Senior Ladies, Jacques "Ernie" Boucher 20071117
Vignettes from Lapsley, 20050131
Life Explained, Tobie Cossette 20040928
Ten things it took me over 60 years to learn 20040910
Blind Pilots, 20040826
Get There with Math, 20040806
The Recruit, from Sandy Lapsley, 20040804
A Smart Blonde, 20040706
D.F.A.A.A., de Tobie Cossettev, 20030923
Sad Dog, de Tobie Cossette, 20021212
ATC Tales from Murray Copeland, 20021102
Aircraft Tales from Murray Copeland, 20021004
Once upon a time, four of Santa's elves got sick and his trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa began to feel Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell through to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of apple cider with a shot of rum.
At the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum! In his frustration, he dropped the cider jug, which broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.
Just then the doorbell rang. A now thoroughly irritated Santa stomped to the door and yanked it open, only to find a sweet little angel holding a large Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, ”Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?”
Thus began the tradition of the angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
Reçu de Terry Jones, 2016/10/08.
Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man! Ya just gotta love this guy!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr Barnes, that's very unusual. How old are you?
"Ninety-eight," he replied.
The congregation stood, and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr Barnes, please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, and turned to face the congregation.
"I outlived all them assholes," He said simply, and calmly returned to his seat.
Reçu de Jacques Boucher, 2014/12/13. ARE YOU A PILOT? I THOUGHT I WAS ...
You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot? He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Reçu de Jacques Gauthier, 2014/08/04.
Avant de partir en voyage à l'étranger, un homme d’affaires convoque Saïd, son fidèle domestique, lui laisse quelques consignes, et lui demande de l'appeler au moindre problème.
- Oui Monsieur, toi pas faire de soucis.
Au bout de trois jours, n'ayant pas eu de nouvelles, il lui passe un coup de fil.
- Salut, Saïd, comment ça se passe ?
- Tout va très mal monsieur!!!
- Ah bon ? Comment ça, mal ???
- Le manche de la pelle, il est cassé ...
L'homme d'affaires s’impatiente :
- Bon Dieu, Saïd, tu m'as fichu la trouille !!! Tu me dis que tout va mal parce que le manche de la pelle est cassé ???
Mais il se dit que le bon Saïd pourrait se froisser et il tente de calmer le jeu :
- Bon, alors, explique-moi, Saïd : c'est arrivé comment ???
- Quand moi enterrer chien.
- Mon chien, que j'aime comme un fils ??? Il est mort ??? Mais comment ???
- Lui tombé dans la piscine !!!
- Mais Saïd, c'est un Terre-Neuve !!! Ces chiens-là savent nager !!! Comment a-t-il pu se noyer dans la piscine ?
- Pas d'eau dans la piscine et lui tombé mort ....
- Pas d'eau dans la piscine ??? Mais on l'a nettoyée la semaine dernière et on l'a remplie pour l'été !!!
- L'eau à été prise par pompiers pour éteindre incendie.
- L'incendie ??? Quel incendie, Saïd ???
- Incendie dans maison.
- Dans la maison ??? Mais c'est arrivé comment ???
- Une bougie était près tenture à côté du cercueil de madame Maman et tout a brûlé.
- Comment ça, un cercueil ??? Ma mère est morte ???
On a fêté dimanche ses 70 ans et elle était en pleine forme !!! - La nuit dernière, elle pas pouvoir dormir.
Elle est alors allée demander pilule à votre femme et mais elle trouve votre femme dans lit avec John, votre meilleur ami.
Elle faire un infarctus et elle morte...
- Quoi ??? Mais c'est insensé Saïd, je m'absente trois jours et c'est pour apprendre que mon chien est mort, ma mère est morte, ma maison a brûlée et ma femme me trompe avec John, mon meilleur ami ???
- Toi avoir raison : tout va mal !!!
- As-tu au moins quelque chose de positif pour me remonter un peu le moral ???
- Si, si, patron.. Vous souvenir que l'autre jour, vous faire test pour Sida ???
- Oui ?
- Voilà... Ça être positif !!
Received from Ron Belfry, 2013/12/18.
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good. You are a team player. That's what I like to hear."
"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder."
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral. Can I get your coffee, sir"?
Reçu de Jacques Ernest Boucher 2013/11/17.
Reçu de Billie Yakachuk 2013/11/15.
Reçu de John Coffin, ancien voisin de Lachine, 2013/11/09
A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. It was translated directly, word for word, from Mandarin to English which is why the English spelling is correct.
Reçu de Billie Yakachuk (épouse de pilote retraité) 2009-02-04 Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speed enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at El Toro, California. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap on his holster is busted.
Thank you for your concern.
Reçu de Jack Cadieux (ancien commandant du CMR) 2008-05-13
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .. The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "
"Friendly fire - isn't"
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot).
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Reçu de Jack Cadieux (ancien commandant du CMR) 2008-02-18
The Commanding Officer of the Royal Canadian Regiment was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it as 'pleasure?'
The 2 I/C chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
A young Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
With no hesitation, the young Private responded, 'Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.'
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
'Well, Sir, began the Private, 'If there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.'
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Canadian Forces.
Reçu de Jacques (Ernie) Boucher 2008-03-10
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them."
So now you know!
Received from Jacques (Ernie) Boucher March 7, 2008
About the time roofs started to collapse in Québec from excessive snow load.
Received from Neil Russell (RMC '57) Nov. 17, 2007 (Courtesy 427 Sqn "Roar")
Some of you remember 5BX (10BX for women), the attempt by the RCAF to increase the fitness level of personnel. This is an update for retired Air Force personnel.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your body and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks. Then try 50 lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get where you can lift a 100 lb. sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Received from Jaques "Ernie" Boucher Nov. 17, 2007
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see.Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies
Received from Sandy Lapsley 2005-01-30
Life in retirement
La vie des retraités
Military discipline - unquestioning obedience
La discipline militaire - obéir sans questionner
Choose your bar stool with care!
Il faudrait bien choisir son siège!
Reçu de Tobie Cossette 2004-09-28
On the first day, God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long, and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years".
The cow said, "That's kind of a rough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20, and I'll give you back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10."
So God agreed.
On the third day, god created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a 20 year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring - monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Dog gave back 10, so that's what I'll do too, ok?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have fun, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you 20 years."
Man said, "What? Only 20 years! No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my 20, and the 40 the cow gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, and the 10 the monkey gave back. That makes 80, OK?
"OK." said God, "you've got a deal".
So that is why the first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, have fun, enjoy and do nothing.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain our grand children,
and then for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has just been explained.
Received 20040910 from Jack Wallace of Burlington, Ontario
2. People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them.
3. You should not confuse your career with your life.
4. Nobody cares if you can't dance well, just get up and dance.
5. Never lick a steak knife.
6. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
7. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
8. A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (Pay attention, it never fails.)
9. Your friends love you anyway.
10. Thought for the day; Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the woman to stomp the crap out of them, until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
There is more money being spent on breast implants & Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs & large erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Received from Chris Foot of Richmond Hill 20040826
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can takeoff.
The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
Received from Chris Foot of Richmond Hill 20040806
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: the alphabet is assigned numerical values:::
A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 E=5 F=6 G=7 H=8 I=9 J=10 K=11 L=12 M=13 N=14
O=15 P=16 Q=17 R=18 S=19 T=20 U=21 V=22 W=23 X=24 Y=25 Z=26
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%
Thus, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that,
while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.
Received from Sandy Lapsley 2004/08/04
(Photo = 450 kB)
This is no way to treat a recruit!
Maybe not, but CMR '52 sort of felt like that.
(Your inputs could mark the rejuvenation of our web site!)
From The Coffee Grinder, Steinbach, Manitoba, June 29, 2004
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York City. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a game. The tired blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you five hundred dollars." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she agrees to play, agrees to the game. The lawyer askes the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay", says the lawyer, "now it's your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her five hundred dollars.
The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer five dollars and goes back to sleep.
Des journée c'est mon cas...............
Êtes-vous comme Simon???
On diagnostiquait récemment chez un de mes ami un D.F.A.A.A. c'est à dire Dérèglement des Fonctions Amnésiques Amplifié par l'Âge ??
Kossé ça ? C'est un désordre caractérisé par les symptômes suivants:
Je décide de laver ma voiture. En me dirigeant vers le garage, je remarque qu'il y a du courrier sur le petit meuble dans l'entrée. Je décide d'en prendre connaissance avant de laver l'auto.
Je dépose donc les clés de ma voiture sur la table et je me débarrasse des envois inutiles en les mettant dans le tas de papier placée sur le comptoir que je dois sortir dans le bac de recyclage qui est dans le garage.
Voyant que ça déborde, je décide de remettre les factures sur la table et de sortir d'abord les ordures.
Mais en y pensant bien, comme je devrai de toute façon me rendre près de la boîte aux lettres, j'en profiterai pour sortir les poubelles, et pourquoi ne pas commencer par payer les factures.
En prenant mon carnet de chèques sur la table, je constate qu'il ne me reste qu'un seul chèque. Je me rends donc dans mon bureau où je sais en trouver d'autres dans le tiroir, et c'est alors que j'aperçois la bouteille de bière que j'y ai laissée à moitié vide.
Je vais chercher mes chèques, mais il me faut d'abord mettre la bouteille de bière en lieu sûr afin de ne pas la renverser accidentellement.
Voyant que le contenu de la bouteille est plutôt tiède, je décide de déposer la bière au réfrigérateur pour la garder froide.
Je me dirige donc vers la cuisine avec la bière, et en arrivant près du comptoir, j'aperçois des fleurs dans un vase - elles ont bien besoin d'eau.
Je dépose la bière sur le comptoir où je découvre mes lunettes que j'ai cherchées tout l'avant-midi.
Je décide qu'il vaudrait mieux les remettre sur mon bureau, mais je vais d'abord arroser les fleurs.
Je remets mes lunettes sur le comptoir, puis je remplis un pot d'eau, et soudain j'aperçois la télécommande du téléviseur qu'un des enfants a laissée sur la table de la cuisine.
Je me dis que ce soir, quand nous serons installés pour regarder la télé, nous chercherons sûrement la simonak télécommande, mais personne ne se rappellera qu'elle est sur la table de la cuisine.
Je décide donc de la rapporter dans le salon où elle devrait être, mais je vais d'abord arroser les fleurs.
Je vaporise un peu d'eau sur les fleurs, mais la majeure partie du liquide se répand sur le plancher.
Je remets donc la télécommande sur la table et je vais chercher des serviettes pour éponger la flaque d'eau.
Je me dirige ensuite vers l'entrée en essayant de me rappeler ce que j'avais l'intention de faire.
À la fin de la journée: la voiture n'a toujours pas été lavée, les factures ne sont pas payées, il y a une bouteille de bière chaude sur le comptoir, les fleurs ne sont pas arrosées, il n'y a toujours qu'un seul chèque dans mon chéquier, je ne parviens pas à retrouver la maudite télécommande, je ne sais plus où j'ai crissé mes lunettes, et je ne me souviens plus de ce que j ai fait avec mes clés d'auto qui restent introuvables.
Pourtant, quand j'essaie de m'expliquer comment il se fait que je n'ai rien accompli aujourd'hui! Je suis vraiment déconcerté car j'ai été occupé toute la journée. Je réalise que j'ai un grave problème, et je vais essayer d'aller chercher de l'aide pour le régler, mais il faut d'abord que je vérifie mes courriels.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
And the clerk says "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives."
The clerk says "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
Tower: "American 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
American 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the pilot remarked, " the dreaded seven-engine approach".
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
This may be a repeat for some. M.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane) the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
...my personal favorite:
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed