Collège militaire royal de Saint-Jean
Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, Québec, Canada.
Classe d'entrée 1952 / 1952 Entry Class
Bienvenue! / Welcome!

Sourire pour la santé
Smile for health Sourires (voire rires!) / Smiles (laughs even!)

À cette page on publie des sourires qu'on reçoit des anciens (et d'autres). Elles sont publiées dans la langue d'origine.
Notre adresse courriel:
On these pages are published smiles received from ex-cadets (and others). They are published in the language of origin.
Our e-mail address:

For skin rec'd 2022.12.24 from Jack Reilly
A Queen's Tale rec'd 2022.10.13 from Gerry Wharton
Only in Newfoundland rec'd 2022.09.22 from Jeep Fortier
Modern Radio rec'd 2022.09.13 from Jeep Fortier
Old Man Joke rec'd 2022.08.28 from Jeep Fortier
Bran Muffins, the Perils Of rec'd 2022.08.23 from Jeep Fortier
Meanwhile in Montana rec'd 2022.07.10 from Jeep Fortier
Elderly Lady Golfer rec'd 2022.06.30 from Jeep Fortier
Homecoming rec'd 2022.06.12 from Jeep Fortier
Twelve Commandments for Seniors, rec'd from Jeep Fortier 2022.04.27
Environmental Truths, rec'd from Jeep Fortier 2022.04.05
Little Johnny Strikes Again rec'd from Jeep Fortier 2022.03.26
Golf Trivia, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2022.03.06
Important Message for Seniors, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2021.12.21
Priestly Tale, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2021.12.23
Airport Full Body Scans, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2021.10.31
Halloween Joke, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2021.10.31
Survey, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2021.10.31
Senior Marriage, rec'd from Jeep Fortier 2021.09.18
Bill the Rooster, rec'd from Billie 2021.08.21
Newfie re Passport Renewal, rec'd from Jeep 2021.07.09
Acetaminophen, rec'd from Annie 2021.04.28
The Black Bra Problem, rec'd from Annie 2021.04.07
The Deaf Wife Problem, rec'd from Annie 2021.04.03
An Italian Wedding Test, rec'd from Annie 2021.02.22
How to Get to Heaven, reçu de Pierre Bourbeau 2021.02.03
Trudeau Ha Ha, rec'd from Annie 2021.01.14
Final Exam, rec'd from Annie 2021.01.14
Four Retirees Visit a Bar, rec'd from Annie 2020/12/29
Einstein's Chauffeur, rec'd from Annie 2020/12/29
A COVID Christmas, 2020/12/19
Home Schooling 2020/11/29
A Month Before Christmas, rec'd from Terry Jones 2020/11/26
Senior Quiz, rec'd from Billie 2020/11/23
A Sweet Grandmother, rec'd from Alda 2020/10/19
How to Win First Prize, rec'd from Alda 2020/10/22
Donkey Race, rec'd from Annie 2020/11/13
Employee Notice, rec'd from Annie 2020/11/14
A Retiree's Last Trip to Costco, Jeep Fortier 2020/11/06
COVID Pics, Terry Jones 2020/11/05
On s`obstine pas avec les aîné(e)s, Pierre Bourbeau 2020.10.22
Grandmas Don't Know Everything, Pierre 2020.10.22
Poor SantaTerry Jones 2019/12/06
A Man With No Enemies, Terry Jones, 20161008
I thought I was a Pilot, Jacques Boucher, 20141213
Enfin! Quelque chose de positif, Jacques Gauthier, 20140804
Wal-Mart Senior Greeter, Ron Belfry, 20131218
Traduction bilingue. Jacques Ernest Boucher, 20131117
Montréal vs Toronto, Billie Yakachuk, 20131115
Lost in translation, John Coffin, 20131109
Don't Mess with the Marines, Billie Yakachuk, 20090204
Military Wisdom, Jack Cadieux, 20080513
Morning Briefing, Jack Cadieux, 20080218
Blessed Canada, Jacques (Ernie) Boucher, 20080310
Sick of Snow, Jacques (Ernie) Boucher, 20080307
5BX Revisited, Neil Russell (RMC '57), 20071117
Don't Mess With Senior Ladies, Jacques "Ernie" Boucher 20071117
Vignettes from Lapsley, 20050131
Life Explained, Tobie Cossette 20040928
Ten things it took me over 60 years to learn 20040910
Blind Pilots, 20040826
Get There with Math, 20040806
The Recruit, from Sandy Lapsley, 20040804
A Smart Blonde, 20040706
D.F.A.A.A., de Tobie Cossettev, 20030923
Sad Dog, de Tobie Cossette, 20021212
ATC Tales from Murray Copeland, 20021102
Aircraft Tales from Murray Copeland, 20021004

For Skin rec'd 2022.12.24 from Jack Reilly
One day, a couple of decades ago I suffered a “memory block”……I asked my Grandma…. Gramma what do you call what’s attached to that useless piece of skin that’s wrapped around the penis?

A MAN, ….she said !!

A Queen's Tale rec'd 2022.10.13 from Gerry Wharton
This received from a British friend.

A Queen’s TALE

We'll always remember her sense of humor and that beautiful smile.

I was on Guard of Honour, waiting for the King of Saudi Arabia, on Horseguards.
On the right flank; Scots Guard (100 guardsmen) a gap, HM The Queen, mounted in uniform; alongside her the CO Colonel Gerald, another gap, then on the left flank, the Queen’s Company Grenadier Guards (100 guardsmen).

We’re stood at ease waiting.
Suddenly the silence was broken by Colonel Gerald’s charger erupting with horse farts at full volume for two minutes.

Embarrassed and staring straight ahead Colonel Gerald says, “Sorry about that your Majesty!”

She replies, in a wonderful voice, “That’s alright Gerald, . . . I thought it was your horse!”

200 guardsmen silently cried with laughter, and tapped their rifle butts on the gravel.

From that moment, every man there adored her!


Only in Newfoundland rec'd 2022.09.22 from Jeep Fortier
A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor.

"I am going hunting tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."

"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Buddy, how was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients.
“The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME! I haven't seen a man in over two years."

"Lard Tunderin' Jayzus, Buddy! What did you do?”

"I put drops in her eyes!"

Modern Radio rec'd 2022.09.13 from Jeep Fortier
So I broke down and bought a new truck!! Go figure, it runs on diesel, propane electricity, hydrogen, gasoline, or ethanol.

I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated. I thanked him and left.

On the way home I said "Nelson" to the radio. The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" " Willie" I said and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.

Then I said "Ray Charles" and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy and for the next few days, every time I said “Beethoven” I’d get beautiful classical music and if I said “Beatles” I’d get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, “ASSHOLE!”

Immediately the radio responded with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, the Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau.”


Old Man Joke rec'd 2022.08.28 from Jeep Fortier
An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.” The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”

The son answers, “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner. Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins."

Bran Muffins, the Perils Of rec'd 2022.08.23 from Jeep Fortier
Subject: Bran Muffins, The Peril Of

The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages.
Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f*^kin' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'


Meanwhile in Montana rec'd 2022.07.10 from Jeep Fortier
The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.

May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Great Falls."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Great Falls."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer (and don’t forget lawyers that are really slimey become Politicans !)

Elderly Lady Golfer rec'd 2022.06.30 from Jeep Fortier
The Elderly Lady Golfer
An elderly woman joins a country club, and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”

No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.

Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m.” He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The elderly woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

She’s there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back next week.

She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They’re totally amazed! They can’t figure her out.

She’s a very pleasant and gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The old lady blushes and grins. “When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth.”

“When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”

The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys smirks and says, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”

Homecoming rec'd 2022.06.12 from Jeep Fortier
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!


#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.

#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop TICKING you off.

#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”

#6 - “On time” is when you get there.

#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.

#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.

. . . And one more:

“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the House.

Environmental Truths, rec'd from Jeep Fortier 2022.04.05
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment. The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days." The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations." The older lady said that she was right our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to explain:

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day. Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books.

But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.

Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day. Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.In my day, there was no such thing as TV.

In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.

We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing."

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Little Johnny Strikes Again rec'd from Jeep Fortier 2022.03.26
A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression, "I presume ..".

One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday, my mother hand washed the dinner dishes, and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

"That's excellent," says the teacher.

Little Johnny, at the back of the classroom, gets up and says: "Yesterday, I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush. I presume that.......

The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything.

Johnny says, "Please, Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can't read."

The Teacher is still undergoing counselling.

Golf Trivia, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2022.03.06
    - Golf balls are like eggs - they're white, they're sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.

    - The pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you must have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

    - It's amazing how a golfer who never helps with house or yard work will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

    - Did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to go to church?

    - It takes longer to become good at golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around in a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.

    - A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

    - A good golf partner is one who's slightly worse than you.

    - The rake is always in the other trap.

    - If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

    - If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

    - Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5.

    - It's easy to keep your ball in the fairway, if you don't care which fairway.

    - If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better.

    - The greatest sound in golf is the "Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh" of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway.

    - A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there's ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.

    - It's difficult to decide which is more stressful - hitting 3 off the tee or lining up your 4th putt.

    - With practice and strength training you can easily get more distance off the shank.

    - The only sure way to get a par is to leave a 4 foot birdie putt 2 inches from the hole.

    - Nothing straightens out a nasty slice like a sharp dogleg to the right.

    - Golden Rule: Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

    - No matter how badly you are playing, it's always possible to get worse.

Important Message for Seniors, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2021.12.21
This happened recently and is important information for our age group.

A friend had his 3rd booster dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice about seeing a doctor, or be hospitalized.

He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.

Priestly Tale, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2021.12.23
This is an old one, but still hilarious! A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
    1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..

    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10...

    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

    8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

    9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

    10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

    11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body.." He did not say, "Eat me."

    12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

    13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

    14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.

Do not keep this letter. Do not send money. Just forward it to twelve of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken.

Airport Full Body Scans, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2021.10.31

Finally, some useful facts are coming out about all of those airport full body scans!
2021 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA:
    Terrorists Discovered: 0
    Transvestites: 133
    Hernias: 1,485
    Hemorrhoid Cases: 3,172
    Enlarged Prostates: 8,249
    Breast Implants: 59,350
    Natural Blondes: 3
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.

Thought you'd like to know

Halloween Joke, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2021.10.31
Halloween Joke Of TheYear

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt !!

............ ............

Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy...

Sounds to me like...she's… been....sweeping around!!!

Survey, rec'd from Jean-Pierre Fortier 2021.10.31
From: Jean_Pierre Fortier
Sent: Sunday, October 31, 2021 8:31 PM
Subject: Fw: Worldwide Telephone Survey
That's about right.
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:
  • In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
  • In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
  • In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.
  • In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
  • In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
  • In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.
  • In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
  • And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Great Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Senior Marriage, rec'd from Jeep Fortier 2021.09.18
Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mariam, age 89), living in 'The Villages' in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore and they decide go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you?

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

Bill the Rooster, rec'd from Billie 2021.08.21
Subject: Fwd: Bill the Rooster

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Bill, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Bill's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Bill had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Bill, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Bill the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Bill was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells!

Newfie re Passport Renewal, rec'd from Jeep 2021.07.09
This, apparently is an actual letter received by the Canadian Passport Office, from an irate Newfoundlander attempting to renew his passport.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Bell-Alliant has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a friggin satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Canadian Government is still asking me where I was friggin born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension checks, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely f*cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die !!

I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address !!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on somesandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f*cking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the friggin city to get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $35. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f*ckin' placelike chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!

(bureaucratic f*ckin' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

An Irate Canadian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in Newfoundland since 1497 and I've been a Canadian Citizen since 1949 ..........
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor –


Acetaminophen, rec'd from Annie 2021.04.28
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails’, 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

The Black Bra Problem, rec'd from Annie 2021.04.07
The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you."
Then, we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too!
The other night I met my lover at his office, and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, and mask over my eyes and a raincoat.
When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

The Deaf Wife Problem, rec'd from Annie 2021.04.03
The Deaf Wife Problem...

Herb feared his wife Liz wasn't hearing as well as she used to hear and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Liz”, what's for dinner?' Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Liz, what's for dinner?'

'For Gods sake, Herb, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

An Italian Wedding Test, rec'd from Annie 2021.02.22
I was a very happy man.
My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car !

How to Get to Heaven, reçu de Pierre Bourbeau 2021.02.03
How to Get to Heaven from Ireland

A true story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?". "NO!", the children answered.

If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!"

If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A little boy shouted out, "Yuv gotta be fookin dead."

It is a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye.

Trudeau Ha Ha, rec'd from Annie 2021.01.14
Justin Trudeau finally breaks down and visits a remote northern res. With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the Prime Minister asks the chief if there was anything the people need.

"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor."

Trudeau whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days. Now what was the second problem?"

"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."

Once again, Trudeau dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?"

"We have no cellphone reception up here," the chief says.

Final Exam, rec'd from Annie 2021.01.14
THE FINAL EXAM. . . . . . . . . . . .

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. . . The guys were excited and relieved. . . They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. . . . then they turned the page. On the second page was written. . .

For 95 points: Which tire? ________

Four Retirees Visit a Bar, rec'd from Annie 2020/12/29
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price

Einstein's Chauffeur, rec'd from Annie 2020/12/29
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.

One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

A COVID Christmas, rec'd from Annie 2020/12/19
T’was the day before Christmas
and all through the house
the only thing stirring was
a little grey mouse.
No gathering this season
the rules had to change
no juicy big turkey
whose home on the range
But good things will happen
the scene will get better
if we all remain calm
through this helter skelter.
So still keep your distance
and keep wearing your mask
and we’ll all win together
in this common task.

Anon, 2020

Home Schooling 2020/11/29
Subject: Home Schooling

Most of us were Home Schooled in many ways...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My father taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My father taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it from your father when he gets home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

My mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My father taught me HUMOUR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

My father taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

This should be sent only to the over 65 crowd, because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents...

A Month Before Christmas, rec'd from Terry Jones 2020/11/26
T’was a Month Before Christmas 2020
T’was a month before Christmas,
And all through the town,
People wore masks,
That covered their frown.
The frown had begun
Way back in the Spring,
When a global pandemic
Changed everything.
They called it corona,
But unlike the beer,
It didn’t bring good times,
It didn’t bring cheer.
Contagious and deadly,
This virus spread fast,
Like a wildfire that starts
When fueled by gas.
Airplanes were grounded,
Travel was banned.
Borders were closed
Across air, sea and land.
As the world entered lockdown
To flatten the curve,
The economy halted,
And folks lost their verve.
From March to July
We rode the first wave,
People stayed home,
They tried to behave.
When summer emerged
The lockdown was lifted.
But away from caution,
Many folks drifted.
Now it’s November
And cases are spiking,
Wave two has arrived,
Much to our disliking.
Frontline workers,
Doctors and nurses,
Try to save people,
From riding in hearses.
This virus is awful,
This COVID-19.
There isn’t a cure.
There is no vaccine.
It’s true that this year
Has had sadness a plenty,
We’ll never forget
The year 2020.
And just ‘round the corner -
The holiday season,
But why be merry?
Is there even one reason?
To decorate the house
And put up the tree,
When no one will see it,
No-one but me.
But outside my window
The snow gently falls,
And I think to myself,
Let’s deck the halls!
So, I gather the ribbon,
The garland and bows,
As I play those old carols,
My happiness grows.
Christmas ain’t cancelled
And neither is hope.
If we lean on each other,
I know we can cope.

Senior Quiz, rec'd from Billie 2020/11/23
Subject: This May Be Harder Than You Think
A TEST FOR 'OLDER' KIDS. I was picky to whom I sent this. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us 'older kids'!
The answers are printed below, (after the questions) but don't cheat! Answer them first.....

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The ____ ___________ Show.

03. 'Get your kicks, __ _________ _______.'

04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to _____ _ _____.'

05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ____ ____ ____ ____.'

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____.'

07. Nestle's makes the very best.... _________.'

08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was ______ ___________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named ______ ___ ________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________ ________ '

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their ______ _______.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by? ___ & _______.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to _______ ____________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called __________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ______ _____ .

16. Remember LS/MFT _____ _____/_____ _____ _____?

17. Hey Kids! What time is it? It's _____ ______ _____!

18. Who knows what secrets lie in the hearts of men? Only The _____ Knows!

19. There was a song that came out in the 60's that was "a grave yard smash" It's name was the ______ ______!

20. Alka Seltzer used a "boy with a tablet on his head" as it's Logo/Representative. What was the boy's name? ________


01.The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

02. The Ed Sullivan Show

03. On Route 66

04.To protect the innocent.

05.The Lion Sleeps Tonight

06. The limbo

07. Chocolate

08. Louis Armstrong

09. The Timex watch

10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hoola-hoop

16. Lucky Strike/Means Fine Tobacco

17. Howdy Doody Time

18. Shadow

19. Monster Mash

20. Speedy

If you send this to your 'older' friends, it will drive them crazy! And keep them busy during this lock up season and let them forget their aches and pains or varied concerns for a few minutes.

OR alternatively read another book!

A Sweet Grandmother, rec'd from Alda 2020/10/19
Subject: A Sweet Grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.

Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News.”

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me sh%t."

How to Win First Prize, rec'd from Alda 2020/10/22
Subject: How to win first prize!

Two little old ladies, Rhetha and Avril, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Rhetha, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show"!

"You're on!", said Avril, holding up a $10 bill.

So, Rhetha slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.

She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.

Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Rhetha came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd.

"What happened"? asked Avril.

"I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"

Life is short ......

Break the rules.......

Forgive quickly......

Love truly........

Laugh uncontrollably ......and

Never regret anything that made you smile!!

Donkey Race, rec'd from Annie 2020/11/13
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day the local paper headline read:

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. The next day the paper read:

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own.
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Employee Notice, rec'd from Annie 2020/11/14
Subject: Employee Notice
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

A Retiree's Last Trip to Costco, Jeep Fortier 2020/11/06
A Retiree's Last Trip To Costco
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs.

I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I elephant?

So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(Now I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

COVID Pics, Terry Jones 2020/11/05
Photos supprimées - concerne de copyright / Photos deleted - copyright concern.

On s`obstine pas avec les aîné(e)s, Pierre Bourbeau 2020/10/22
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10.00,

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100.00 please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why ...

The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to $3000.

"Well, please let me have $3000 now", she said. The teller then handed the old senior the $3,000.00 being very friendly and respectfully to her.

The old lady put $10.00 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,990.00 back into her account.

The moral of this tale .......

Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.

Grandmas Don't Know Everything, rec'd from Pierre 2020/09/17
Subject: Grandmas don't know everything
Be Careful What you say!

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her:
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Poor Santa rec'd from Terry Jones 2019/12/06

Once upon a time, four of Santa's elves got sick and his trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones. Santa began to feel Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell through to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of apple cider with a shot of rum.

At the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum! In his frustration, he dropped the cider jug, which broke into pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang. A now thoroughly irritated Santa stomped to the door and yanked it open, only to find a sweet little angel holding a large Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, ”Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?”

Thus began the tradition of the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

Reçu de Terry Jones, 2016/10/08.
A Man With No Enemies
Reçu de Terry Jones, 2016/10/08.

Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man! Ya just gotta love this guy!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr Barnes, that's very unusual. How old are you?

"Ninety-eight," he replied.

The congregation stood, and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr Barnes, please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, and turned to face the congregation.

"I outlived all them assholes," He said simply, and calmly returned to his seat.

I thought I was a Pilot
Reçu de Jacques Boucher, 2014/12/13.
You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot? He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Enfin! Quelque chose de positif
Reçu de Jacques Gauthier, 2014/08/04.

Avant de partir en voyage à l'étranger, un homme d’affaires convoque Saïd, son fidèle domestique, lui laisse quelques consignes, et lui demande de l'appeler au moindre problème.
- Oui Monsieur, toi pas faire de soucis.

Au bout de trois jours, n'ayant pas eu de nouvelles, il lui passe un coup de fil.
- Salut, Saïd, comment ça se passe ?
- Tout va très mal monsieur!!!
- Ah bon ? Comment ça, mal ???
- Le manche de la pelle, il est cassé ...
L'homme d'affaires s’impatiente :
- Bon Dieu, Saïd, tu m'as fichu la trouille !!! Tu me dis que tout va mal parce que le manche de la pelle est cassé ???
Mais il se dit que le bon Saïd pourrait se froisser et il tente de calmer le jeu :
- Bon, alors, explique-moi, Saïd : c'est arrivé comment ???
- Quand moi enterrer chien.
- Mon chien, que j'aime comme un fils ??? Il est mort ??? Mais comment ???
- Lui tombé dans la piscine !!!
- Mais Saïd, c'est un Terre-Neuve !!! Ces chiens-là savent nager !!! Comment a-t-il pu se noyer dans la piscine ?
- Pas d'eau dans la piscine et lui tombé mort ....
- Pas d'eau dans la piscine ??? Mais on l'a nettoyée la semaine dernière et on l'a remplie pour l'été !!!
- L'eau à été prise par pompiers pour éteindre incendie.
- L'incendie ??? Quel incendie, Saïd ???
- Incendie dans maison.
- Dans la maison ??? Mais c'est arrivé comment ???
- Une bougie était près tenture à côté du cercueil de madame Maman et tout a brûlé.
- Comment ça, un cercueil ??? Ma mère est morte ???
On a fêté dimanche ses 70 ans et elle était en pleine forme !!! - La nuit dernière, elle pas pouvoir dormir.
Elle est alors allée demander pilule à votre femme et mais elle trouve votre femme dans lit avec John, votre meilleur ami.
Elle faire un infarctus et elle morte...
- Quoi ??? Mais c'est insensé Saïd, je m'absente trois jours et c'est pour apprendre que mon chien est mort, ma mère est morte, ma maison a brûlée et ma femme me trompe avec John, mon meilleur ami ???
- Toi avoir raison : tout va mal !!!
- As-tu au moins quelque chose de positif pour me remonter un peu le moral ???
- Si, si, patron.. Vous souvenir que l'autre jour, vous faire test pour Sida ???
- Oui ?
- Voilà... Ça être positif !!
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Wal-Mart Senior Greeter
Received from Ron Belfry, 2013/12/18.

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good. You are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder."

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral. Can I get your coffee, sir"?
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Traduction bilingue
Reçu de Jacques Ernest Boucher 2013/11/17.
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Montréal vs Toronto
Reçu de Billie Yakachuk 2013/11/15.
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Lost in translation
Reçu de John Coffin, ancien voisin de Lachine, 2013/11/09

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. It was translated directly, word for word, from Mandarin to English which is why the English spelling is correct.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it!
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Don't Mess with the Marines
Reçu de Billie Yakachuk (épouse de pilote retraité) 2009-02-04
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speed enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at El Toro, California. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap on his holster is busted.
Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi
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Military Wisdom
Reçu de Jack Cadieux (ancien commandant du CMR) 2008-05-13

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .. The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...! "

"Friendly fire - isn't"

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot).

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks
"What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
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Morning Briefing
Reçu de Jack Cadieux (ancien commandant du CMR) 2008-02-18

Morning Briefing

The Commanding Officer of the Royal Canadian Regiment was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Company Commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it as 'pleasure?'

The 2 I/C chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A young Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation, the young Private responded, 'Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.'

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

'Well, Sir, began the Private, 'If there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.'

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Canadian Forces.
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Blessed Canada
Reçu de Jacques (Ernie) Boucher 2008-03-10

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them."

So now you know!
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Sick of Snow
Received from Jacques (Ernie) Boucher March 7, 2008
About the time roofs started to collapse in Québec from excessive snow load.

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5BX Revisited
Received from Neil Russell (RMC '57) Nov. 17, 2007 (Courtesy 427 Sqn "Roar")

Some of you remember 5BX (10BX for women), the attempt by the RCAF to increase the fitness level of personnel. This is an update for retired Air Force personnel.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your body and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks. Then try 50 lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get where you can lift a 100 lb. sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
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Don't Mess With Senior Ladies
Received from Jaques "Ernie" Boucher Nov. 17, 2007

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see.Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies
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Vignettes from Lapsley
Received from Sandy Lapsley 2005-01-30

Life in retirement
La vie des retraités

Military discipline - unquestioning obedience
La discipline militaire - obéir sans questionner

Choose your bar stool with care!
Il faudrait bien choisir son siège!
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Life Explained
Reçu de Tobie Cossette 2004-09-28

On the first day, God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long, and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years".

The cow said, "That's kind of a rough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20, and I'll give you back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10."

So God agreed.

On the third day, god created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a 20 year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring - monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Dog gave back 10, so that's what I'll do too, ok?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have fun, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you 20 years."

Man said, "What? Only 20 years! No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my 20, and the 40 the cow gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back, and the 10 the monkey gave back. That makes 80, OK?

"OK." said God, "you've got a deal".

So that is why the first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, have fun, enjoy and do nothing.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain our grand children,
and then for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has just been explained.
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Ten things it took me over 60 years to learn.
Received 20040910 from Jack Wallace of Burlington, Ontario
    1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill & a laxative on the same night.

    2. People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them.

    3. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    4. Nobody cares if you can't dance well, just get up and dance.

    5. Never lick a steak knife.

    6. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

    7. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

    8. A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (Pay attention, it never fails.)

    9. Your friends love you anyway.

    10. Thought for the day; Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the woman to stomp the crap out of them, until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

    Final thought:
    There is more money being spent on breast implants & Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs & large erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Blind Pilots
Received from Chris Foot of Richmond Hill 20040826

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.

They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can takeoff.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
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Get There with Math
Received from Chris Foot of Richmond Hill 20040806

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: the alphabet is assigned numerical values:::
A=1 B=2 C=3 D=4 E=5 F=6 G=7 H=8 I=9 J=10 K=11 L=12 M=13 N=14
O=15 P=16 Q=17 R=18 S=19 T=20 U=21 V=22 W=23 X=24 Y=25 Z=26

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

Thus, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that,
while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.
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The Recruit
Received from Sandy Lapsley 2004/08/04
(Photo = 450 kB)
Penguin recruit Hi Bill;
This is no way to treat a recruit!

Thanks Sandy,
Maybe not, but CMR '52 sort of felt like that.
(Your inputs could mark the rejuvenation of our web site!)

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A Smart Blonde
From The Coffee Grinder, Steinbach, Manitoba, June 29, 2004

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York City. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a game. The tired blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you five hundred dollars." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she agrees to play, agrees to the game. The lawyer askes the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay", says the lawyer, "now it's your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her five hundred dollars.

The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer five dollars and goes back to sleep.
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D.F.A.A.A., Retransmis par Tobie Cossette 2003/09/23

Des journée c'est mon cas...............

Êtes-vous comme Simon???
On diagnostiquait récemment chez un de mes ami un D.F.A.A.A. c'est à dire Dérèglement des Fonctions Amnésiques Amplifié par l'Âge ??
Kossé ça ? C'est un désordre caractérisé par les symptômes suivants:

Je décide de laver ma voiture. En me dirigeant vers le garage, je remarque qu'il y a du courrier sur le petit meuble dans l'entrée. Je décide d'en prendre connaissance avant de laver l'auto.

Je dépose donc les clés de ma voiture sur la table et je me débarrasse des envois inutiles en les mettant dans le tas de papier placée sur le comptoir que je dois sortir dans le bac de recyclage qui est dans le garage.

Voyant que ça déborde, je décide de remettre les factures sur la table et de sortir d'abord les ordures.

Mais en y pensant bien, comme je devrai de toute façon me rendre près de la boîte aux lettres, j'en profiterai pour sortir les poubelles, et pourquoi ne pas commencer par payer les factures.

En prenant mon carnet de chèques sur la table, je constate qu'il ne me reste qu'un seul chèque. Je me rends donc dans mon bureau où je sais en trouver d'autres dans le tiroir, et c'est alors que j'aperçois la bouteille de bière que j'y ai laissée à moitié vide.

Je vais chercher mes chèques, mais il me faut d'abord mettre la bouteille de bière en lieu sûr afin de ne pas la renverser accidentellement.

Voyant que le contenu de la bouteille est plutôt tiède, je décide de déposer la bière au réfrigérateur pour la garder froide.

Je me dirige donc vers la cuisine avec la bière, et en arrivant près du comptoir, j'aperçois des fleurs dans un vase - elles ont bien besoin d'eau.

Je dépose la bière sur le comptoir où je découvre mes lunettes que j'ai cherchées tout l'avant-midi.

Je décide qu'il vaudrait mieux les remettre sur mon bureau, mais je vais d'abord arroser les fleurs.

Je remets mes lunettes sur le comptoir, puis je remplis un pot d'eau, et soudain j'aperçois la télécommande du téléviseur qu'un des enfants a laissée sur la table de la cuisine.

Je me dis que ce soir, quand nous serons installés pour regarder la télé, nous chercherons sûrement la simonak télécommande, mais personne ne se rappellera qu'elle est sur la table de la cuisine.

Je décide donc de la rapporter dans le salon où elle devrait être, mais je vais d'abord arroser les fleurs.

Je vaporise un peu d'eau sur les fleurs, mais la majeure partie du liquide se répand sur le plancher.

Je remets donc la télécommande sur la table et je vais chercher des serviettes pour éponger la flaque d'eau.

Je me dirige ensuite vers l'entrée en essayant de me rappeler ce que j'avais l'intention de faire.

À la fin de la journée: la voiture n'a toujours pas été lavée, les factures ne sont pas payées, il y a une bouteille de bière chaude sur le comptoir, les fleurs ne sont pas arrosées, il n'y a toujours qu'un seul chèque dans mon chéquier, je ne parviens pas à retrouver la maudite télécommande, je ne sais plus où j'ai crissé mes lunettes, et je ne me souviens plus de ce que j ai fait avec mes clés d'auto qui restent introuvables.

Pourtant, quand j'essaie de m'expliquer comment il se fait que je n'ai rien accompli aujourd'hui! Je suis vraiment déconcerté car j'ai été occupé toute la journée. Je réalise que j'ai un grave problème, et je vais essayer d'aller chercher de l'aide pour le régler, mais il faut d'abord que je vérifie mes courriels.
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Sad Dog, Retransmis par Tobie Cossette 2002/12/12

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

And the clerk says "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives."

The clerk says "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
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PILOT / ATC JOKES Forwarded by Murray Copeland 2002/11/02

Tower: "American 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
American 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the pilot remarked, " the dreaded seven-engine approach".

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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Aircraft Tales Forwarded by Murray Copeland 2002/10/04

This may be a repeat for some. M.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QUANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane) the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. personal favorite:

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
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